Pure joy, no matter what.

I had to get some blood tests done last week. Jaidyn was actually really excited that I was getting mine done since its always her getting it done. We waited in the waiting room where she continuously let me know its going to be ok. When it was my turn she told me exactly what to do: sit down and pull your sleeve up, then the lady will wash it with the wipe. I kinda laughed as the nurse looked at me kinda confused. Then Jaidyn told me "don't worry Mommy, its going to be ok. I'm right here and I will hold your hand." It was so sweet and innocent.


Funny enough it actually was reassuring. I'm such a baby when it comes to getting my blood done, only because they some how manage to ALWAYS blow my veins. Which by the way, they did again.


As we were walking through the waiting room, Jaidyn stops me and says in the most excited voice for everyone sitting there to hear, "Mommy you were SO brave you didn't even cry!"


Yesterday, we were driving, I had the music playing but I could hear Jaidyn talking really quietly in the backseat. So I turned the music down and listened for a minute, and couldn't help but smile.


She had her baby in her lap and was playing doctor with her. But not just any "doctor" game a 3 year old would play. Her little baby was getting prepped for a spinal tap. As she went into detail explaining to her baby that "don't worry you will feel a little dizzy, but its ok because you can just watch Dora on the big TV" and, "after we are done, we will wheel you back to your room and your mommy will be there to take care of you." She also attached her baby's IV pole to her butterfly line and started giving her fluids.


It made me so sad and happy at the same time.


Sad because my 3 year old knows what a spinal tap is and can walk you through it step by step. But also happy in that she is capable of making light of such a terrible disease. This is what she knows. This is her normal.


Luckily was feeling good enough and her counts were high enough she was able to go to school and ballet on Valentines day. So for the first time Jaidyn and I made home made valentines for all her friends. She signed each and every one of them and even made Miles (the dog from school) a matching Birthday card. She was so excited to get there and pass them out.

We have good days and we have bad days. Unfortunately we also have really bad days. Days when nothing makes her feel better, when my patience and strength is depleted, days I am ready to throw the towel in. But then there are days as mentioned above when I realize I can't give up. When I realize there is a little girl depending on me to be her rock and to make it ok.


As ok as it can be.


But I'm only human.


Ive never really experienced what its like to be truly burned out.


Having the feelings where I'm so mentally exhausted, sleep just doesn't help anymore.


Thankfully the results from the blood test for me came back normal, and my doctor has said "you're just burnt out, you need a break, you need time for yourself."


However, taking breaks, and time for myself is few and far between these days. Jaidyn has always been a lot of work to begin with. When adding in this treatment and illness, it makes the hard days that much harder. We're learning how to get through the hard days.  She does take "acting up for her mom" to a whole other level. But she will be going back to the Psychologist at Children's soon. Where we both will learn to deal with her frustrations and anxieties.


Because there are just some days when I just don't know what to do anymore.


And then there are days like this where we go to the park with Uncle Tay Tay, that make me remember, everything will be ok as long as I can continue to see this smiling face. Jaidyn has taught me so much throughout all of this. As hard as it may seem, and as rough as some days are, there is always a way to smile. Sometimes I just need to remember that more often.

 

Pure joy. No matter what.